Marriage and Frequently asked Questions
Statistics show us that many marriages will end in divorce … what are the top factors contributing to this trend? Can this trend be reversed?
Statistics published on 27 Feb 2023 says the crude divorce rate in 2021 was observed to be 20 divorces per 100 000 estimated resident population. Among the reasons for divorce is that most couples do not know how to create a deep and sustained connection. They tend to focus on personal needs rather than relationship needs. Divorce occurs when the relationship does not meet their needs. The major cure for divorce is to make the relationship top priority rather than individual needs. The question that begs answering is not "What do I need from the relationship?" but rather " What does the relationship need from me?"
What are the attitudes and skills needed to help improve a troubled marriage?
The major attitude is openness to new awareness and information, and to mutually take responsibility for the difficulties in the marriage. Couples co-create their difficulties, and they need to know they can co-create connection by being curious and putting yourself in your partner's shoes. The major skill is to learn how to have a conversation that is safe so they can relax their defenses and be vulnerable with each other.
What are the specific communication problems that couples experience?
The primary communication challenge that many couples face revolves around negativity, blame, criticism, and putting each other down. In these dynamics, each partner often strives for their perspective to be understood, while struggling to acknowledge the validity of the other's viewpoint. It's challenging because acceptance of the existence of multiple realities is difficult for both parties.
John Gottman speaks of the “4 horsemen of the apocalypse”, distressed couples on the verge of divorce display the following signs, namely:
- Criticism: attacking someone’s character or personality with blame
- Contempt: words and body language to insult/abuse the other
- Defensiveness: Yes- but(ing) making excuses, denying responsibility, defensive body language
- Stonewalling: removes self from conversation, withdraw into stony silence
How great of an impact does childhood have on the martial relationship?
The impact is really big. From my perspective, the drama in marriage is a replay of the trauma and unmet needs of childhood. The purpose of marital conflict is for partners to help each other finish childhood and to grow past of your survival adaptations. That is non-negotiable.
Can conflict be used to strengthen a marriage?
Yes, conflict is growth trying to happen. Each partner uses conflict to try to get some unmet need fulfilled and he/ she does not (yet) know any other way to get it fulfilled. Every frustration that produces conflict is a (childhood) wish in disguise. To strengthen marriage, partners need to translate their frustration into a behavior change request and communicate the wish by asking directly for what they want, instead of complaining about what they do not have; and then each has to stretch into new behavior, giving to each other what they need unconditionally.
Doesn’t human nature make it difficult to embrace one another’s differences?
No, not really. The difficulty of embracing and being curious about each other’s differences is a result of being emotionally wounded in childhood. Emotional pain creates self absorption and makes it difficult for the partner to look at his/her beloved with empathy, and put himself in someone else's shoes. This creates withdrawal which makes it hard for the other party to embrace difference.
Is there a secret to a happy marriage?
Absolutely! The secret to a happy marriage is to look at your partner with new eyes and to learn how to talk in a new way – replacing contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling with dialogues and curiosity; embracing difference and ending negativity.
Is there a process to follow that partners may become more fulfilled (satisfied) in their relationships?
There is a paradox in meeting the needs of your partner. Strangely, when your partner's needs are met, your own needs are met by that same act. When that is mutual, then each partner can feel that their needs are met. In fulfilling your partners needs, a "gift" is given, but you also receive a "gift", because subconsciously when giving the partner what he/she needs you give yourself the ability to heal from childhood wounding.
Quite a few therapists suggest “date nights” as the cure for marital woes. Is it really that simple?
Date nights are useful given that it forms part of other rituals of safety like, connecting through dialogue.
Is it possible to save a marriage without the help of professional therapy?
Yes, thousands of couples do that every day. But they need some new information — a book or lecture — and a new skill.
Which marriage is more toxic, the one in which couples argue on a daily basis, or, the one in which the partners have become emotionally detached from one another?
Both are toxic in different ways.
What are the first steps a couple should take when they recognize their marriage is failing?
Acquire some information that will help them change their patterns—an education course, therapy, etc.
Sourced from various writings by Harville Hendrix.
What will we learn during sessions?
You will learn communication tools and skills to understand your partner and their differences better, and mutually look at each other with new eyes and compassion. You will also become more aware of the subconscious forces that drew you to each other.
How many sessions will we need?
It is difficult to say how many sessions will bring a couple to a place of deep connection, because every problem and every couple is different. However, experience has taught me that if there are no affairs or addictions, a couple can expect to have an improved relationship within six to eight sessions. it there was an affair, or if one of the partners suffer from an addiction, for example drugs, pornography, gambling or alcohol addictions, more sessions will be needed.
